same old bush--سیم اولڈ بش

 اردو کی بورڈ کی غیر موجودگی میں یہ تحریر لکھی۔

So here I am, with a new yet delicately planed and ruthlessly executed immature stuff. Presuming that you guys had nothing left to do in the name of goodness apart from waiting for words( I would rather say fits) of wisdom showering entire manhood. Or as great men are often referred to along their journey. A thick fat slob testing everybody's patience with mambo jumbo.

There are a couple of good reasons I am almost certain that every single one of those reasons can make you guys start believing in a great deal of goodness behind me switching to English as a language of choice. But its good to be honest, at least sometimes, So, one of them is, I can't see any chance of me touching a new computer for a good while and old one hates Urdu, I can't touch a new one, or to be precise my new machine, mainly because of my stupid insurance policy and credit card issuer. I  mean they just have to think I am an all new and changed person who won't miss any payment(at least for first few months) and that's it. Job is done. Look at it, these guys have just trusted a bunch of thugs and psychos with multimillion dollar packages, i.e aid packages for poor Pakistani people after flood. If they can trust these criminals then what's wrong with me? Can't they give a poor old guy an other chance to change and earn himself some happiness? Oh dear God! this place knows no fairness. No wonder we are doomed as species by natural disasters. These filthy jews, they have risked well being of a whole species by declining poor chappies required finances. And all to protect their so called lending standards.

 Sorry to say, but Creator surely had some other uses for this much flesh, it's still a mystery why he created so much tight (not nice to mention but mandatory ones) errrr... vital female organs.( Assuming you guys aren't familiar with money related narration of this organ which when paired with tight, is dealt in context with conditions related to being a moron, it has a completely different scenario and meanings under that context which doesn't have anything to do with women at all. anyhow I am once again lost in explanation so back to topic), sorry if I offended nice jews, but it's your own lot lads which brings home so much shame. So better to sort out those tight c***s before getting it out on me.

Secondly, fairness asks me to do justice when it comes to choosing weapons of mass annoyance and I've had Urdu for a while. So you better get used to my English or there is no more jewel or gem of wisdom for you lot. And besides, its the only chance left to slow down  a bit downhill journey of writing... hit the break of practice before it hits valley. Although I have some differences with examiners on this point, which mainly is, once you go under zero its same. I am as happy with -2 as I would have been with -1, But sadly, it's their opinion which counts. Alas! this world is full of unfairness.And to top injuries,there is always some insult one has to deal with, which in my case acts as a sort of pull down force or gravity in downhill journey of my writing skills. 

Same Old Bush:

Been to High Commission of\Pakistan last week and I am glad to announce that we haven't moved even a bit. A firm stance like a nation of principals. We are hanging around same old bush, everybody blaming everybody. Years of living with civilized people in civilized world hasn't change our national stance, which quite frankly is." I am always and every bloody time right, a brain cell born in uncivilized herd centuries ahead of it's time and rightly shipped to the shores of civilized worlds. just respect me even if you don't know who I am and what I am talking about ". I always laugh myself wet when I see these gifted people in action. But not just yet. let me tell you guys little bit about high commission staff first then we will go back to baboos in next(sort of) column.

Where to start, I found Pakistan High Commission is the only High Commission in the world which works to facilitate every other national but Pakistani. Those of you guys who have managed to get a dual nationality can feel the difference. Go to High Commission with Pakistani Id card and you will see it for yourself. And if you happen to be a native not a Pakistani, Need not to worry. Lord will answer all your prayers before even you open your mouth. just get inside High Commission of Pakistan and see the miracles happening. Take a note here and we will discuss it further when we start with baboos.

Where else on face of earth a country has a very large number of its nationals in another country and they still hold a building which was barely suitable many many decades ago. Foreign service can rightly brag about having acquired a few houses in rich quite and trendy area of knight's bridge and tap themselves on shoulders or wherever they want as its a an area of choice for billionaires around the glob. Truth is, its very very insufficient and inadequate when comes to facilitating scores of Pakistanis settled in England. And facilities (I would rather say amusements)are very very poor even for staff itself. Unfurnished  and sometimes unpolished tables, A reception area+main entrance in building 1 just a tiny bit bigger then my kitchen.

 Security guards and security standards remind us of good old times when world was free of terror and max terrorists could rely on was a haul of swords and axes. Massacre meant poising water supplies by dead animals and suicidal attacks were jumping in the king's convoy armed with a dagger disguised as a popper or saint. A couple of months ago when I visited Pakistan High Commission I was shocked to see security arrangements. Just two guys with hand held scanners(cheap ones) on main entrance and that was all. And those two were only interested in cell phones. Which by the way one could have easily smuggled inside after turning them off. And did I mention there was no female guards to search a woman. So clean sweep for any female with a gun and intentions to gun down as many as possible before shooting herself dead. By the the way it wasn't so difficult for a guy as well, just a tiny bit of cunning and boom boom. And real kick is yet to come, this security alert was most probably to provide a cover against sting operations as someone had secretly filmed highly respected  High Commissioner of Pakistan on a secrete duty of obtaining records against devil in-chief from Swiss authorities. Mr Hassan himself received the files in person and in private capacity acting as a man of Mr. zevil's trust rather then High Commissioner of Pakistan if I am not wrong.

Beside that, I really like Mr. Hassan for his timely and perfectly executed counter shots on media. Do you guys still remember him answering Indian media?. If not just check youtube. And to make it clear, its not because he answered Indian media well, it could be any country's media(specially a lot of our very own popular anchors with absolutely no ethics or rules to follow). Miss /lodhi(pardon me here if she is Mrs. Lodhi.) lacked this ability. 

Last week I found things changed, in a bad way. The helpful and jolly guy who use to spent whole day holding a funny scanner  dressed in teflon trousers, managed to pull on Hitler mask since he had abandoned those trousers for old and nearly worn out tweed. He could manage to look damn good even in that old suite if only he could get rid of his Hitler mask and behave like normal humans. He was a king in his own realm, words he spoke were considered law. At some point I actually felt that he would out power High Commissioner any moment. And all of this was just to assure well being of connections. I am sure a lot of people have seen him jumping the que with someone and telling people on  Mr. XYZ sent this him/her please help him/her out. For rest of us, Hitler reborn as that guy. I am not being rude, I know he is just door supervisor who sometimes has to face difficult circumstances on duty plus he is more then twice my age. But this is the nicest I could be to him after facing him last week. This is the change I hate. Same guy sounded friendly and helpful a couple of months ago.

Last time I found it was only us who blamed every thing on embassy staff. They were doing alright. I am glad to say that I had reconsidered my opinion after I have seen all of their guys. Well a few of them  are really nasty ones. Proper middle class shifted in to upper class right upon receiving appointment letter. Sounded behaved like maharajahs of British India on King's coronation. Mind yourself next time you think of any thing like appropriate behavior at High Commission of your motherland.